"Fine." "Nothing." "I Don't Know." Why Won't My Child Talk About School?

22 Jul

"How was school today?"

"Fine."

"What did you learn?"

"Nothing."

"What did you do?"

"Can't remember."

If that exchange sounds familiar, you're in good company. Plenty of parents worry it means their child doesn't want to talk to them. More often, something else entirely is going on.

School is more tiring than it looks

A school day asks a lot of a child — concentrating, listening, solving problems, managing friendships, following routines, trying to make good choices, all more or less back to back. By the time they walk through the front door, they're genuinely worn out.

For a child in that state, another question — even a well-meaning one — can feel like one more task in a day that's already had too many.

The question itself might be the problem

"How was your day?" is a huge question. Adults ask it because it's efficient. Children rarely experience their day that way — as one thing to summarise. It's more likely to sit in their memory as a blur of small, disconnected moments, which makes "how was it?" genuinely hard to answer, even for a child who'd love to tell you.

Asking them to focus on one small moment, rather than the whole day, tends to work far better.

Better questions to try after school

Instead of "How was school?", try:

What made you smile today?
Did anything surprise you?
What made you think today?
Who did you spend time with?
Did anyone say something interesting?
What was the funniest moment?
What challenged you today?

Each of these points at something specific and small — which makes it easier to answer than a whole day ever could.

Why stories make certain conversations easier

Stories give children a kind of practice ground for feelings that are hard to talk about directly. It's often far more comfortable for a child to weigh in on whether a character should have done something than to explain their own choices — because a character's mistake isn't theirs, so there's nothing at stake in getting it wrong.

Talked about enough, those conversations about someone else's courage, disappointment or friendship troubles have a way of quietly leading back to a child's own life — without ever feeling like it was engineered to get there.

Listening matters more than fixing

Once a child does start talking, it's tempting to jump straight to solving whatever they've told you. Often, that's not what they're actually after.

Sometimes the most useful thing you can say is just "tell me more", or "that sounds like it was really hard." A child who feels listened to tends to keep talking. One who feels immediately managed tends to stop.

Using a book to open a conversation

Reading together doesn't have to mean taking turns reading aloud — some of the best conversations happen once the book is already closed. Try:

Which character did you understand best?
Did anyone surprise you?
Was there a decision you'd have made differently?
What do you think happens next?

None of these have a "correct" answer, and that's the point — the goal isn't to test what they understood, it's to give them a reason to think out loud.

Space matters more than more questions

Often what a child needs isn't more questions — it's more space, more time, and the sense that whatever they say next won't be judged.

Given that, most children start talking far more than parents expect. And those conversations do more than fill in the gaps of a school day — they're often where a child quietly learns that what they think and feel actually matters to someone.